Out of the box or in the box?

Older A qualified for the "gifted" program in elementary school on his first try.  We just learnt that little A didn't make it through the second round of testing, while she had performed exceedingly well in the first round.  While it is unfair to compare, one cannot help it sometimes.  

Older A is a good student...very conscientious, thorough and quite competitive when needed.  I particularly appreciate his tenacity to overcome any shortcoming with a determined push - be it a math problem or a new piece on the violin.  But I think his thinking is quite "in the box".  Which is not such a bad thing in and of itself.  I can see him doing well in almost all the tests that come his way as he grows up and securing a decent job, in keeping with expectations.  Kind of like me in a way.  Quite a textbook case I was, in my opinion.  

Little A, however is more a free spirit.  She likes to do things her way, is extremely independent and refuses to accept help.  While that self-reliance is a good trait, it sometimes gets in the way of her learning.  Plus, she only opens up and wants to learn when she is in the "mood".  Sigh.  While I feel disappointed that she didn't make it through the test, I think of all the times she has surprised me with her completely "out of the box" thinking.  She flashes glimpses of her keen intellect with incisive questions and well-articulated thoughts.  She doesn't mind sitting and watching a science or space show on TV for a few hours without batting an eyelid.  Just when I think she couldn't possibly absorb all that material, she comes back a couple of days later with a question that boggles my mind.  I am amazed at the amount of knowledge she has gleaned from the kids shows on PBS!  

I truly believe that both kids will turn out fine, in spite of their differing personalities.  What it takes is loving guidance and patience from us adults.  In the competitive environment we are in these days, it is easy to gloss over the fact that they are still kids and it is their time to discover their strengths and weaknesses on their own and deal with the challenges that come their way in their own unique way.  Each kid is "gifted" in different ways and it is up to us to coax it out of them so they discover their talents and grow them as they mature.  While we may not have all the answers, we owe it to them to provide them that freedom and opportunities for self-discovery. 

Meanwhile, regardless of whether they are "in the box" thinkers or "out of the box" thinkers, their journey of discovery is a joy to watch.  Each "aha" moment, each heartfelt "yessss" of accomplishment, is a baby step towards uncovering their hidden potential.  The key is to be true to themselves and always keep an open mind.  These experiences are little pieces of the complex puzzle that will define who they are. 

To hidden potential!

A love like no other

It is strange how a tune, a whiff of perfume or a taste can evoke strong memories from days bygone.  Today, I was listening to Lata's mellifluous voice singing "Allah tero naam" in the car on the way home.  Not sure if the neurons in my brain were connecting this song to an old memory from when I was growing up or what...but memories of my mom and her gentle way of life flooded my mind.  Until she was physically able, my mom always took every opportunity to visit us so she could spend time with her grandchildren.  Even undertaking the long, tiring journey alone once to visit us.  Towards the end, she insisted that she wasn't able to...which I found hard to believe...until I realized only too late why she was saying so.  My eyes welled up with tears as I remembered my mom's frail body as she lay gasping for her last breath. 

O saare jag ke rakhwaale,

Nirbal ko bal dene waale...

Deh bina, daata

Deh bina bhatke naa pran...

 It was older A's birth that was the incentive for my parents to make their first trip to the US.  They visited many times after that, each time putting their lives on hold so they could spend time with their dear grandchildren and us.  Each time, they would undertake the arduous journey, travel to a foreign land and stay in a home that wasn't theirs.  I used to fight with them saying that they should treat our house as theirs...but like my mom would say - "our house is our house".  

For my mom, there was no other who could compare with older A - he could do no wrong.  Perhaps since he was born under the star of her favorite god!  But he too shared a unique bond with his "Ajji Bhargavi", the name he gave her...which later little A picked up.  My mom fondly remembered the time when her leg was hurting and A wiped some baby lotion from his face and applied it to her leg and said that it would get better soon.  Such was their relationship. Even now when I scold A for something, her words echo in my mind, when she asked me not to be too hard on him...that he was a good boy.

 

This is a picture we took  in a park on a beautiful, sunny summer day.  Countless times, I have left little A in the care of my mom without a tinge of worry, since I knew that she would get all the attention and love from my mom...perhaps a lot more than I had patience for!  This was the last time my parents made the trip together to visit us.

How can I forget my dad's patience and sheer joy he felt so deeply, in the company of his grandchildren?  Right from the moment older A was born...to patiently walking little A up and down since she cried when she was put down in the crib.  This picture shall forever signify the love and joy both my parents shared for their grandchildren.  Our kids shall forever remember their "Hayu thatha" and "Ajji Bhargavi" for what they have given them - their unconditional love and precious days of their lives.  



Today, the kids share a deep, close bond with their Hayu thatha and love visiting him in Bangalore or having him over.  The love grandparents shower on their grandkids is a special gift and indeed a love like no other.

To grandparents!

A life examined...

It is fascinating how one picks up on the "signs" that abound around us...assuming that one is looking out for them in the first place.  Is this what some call fate or destiny...even karma?  Some may dismiss them as just a series of coincidences.  It really doesn't matter what it is called.  Two examples come to mind, just from this morning.  There I was, having enjoyed my hot cup of coffee for the day...flipping channels on TV.  Two programs were on at the same time that piqued my interest - "Satyameva Jayate" and the other a PBS show that had Wayne Dyer talking about his book "I can see clearly now".

Today's topic for Satyameva Jayate detailed the experiences of a few people who had risen above the worst kind of adversity and found their true calling in life.  In both cases, their fight would elevate their own existence to a more meaningful one, as well as touch many other lives in a very positive way.  It took a horrific event in their lives to set this in motion, but the main point was how determined they were to make a positive difference and not be afraid any more of others and their own inhibitions.  They dared to take life by the horns and turn it into something that inspires many others they come in contact with.

Wayne Dyer, as usual, was talking about realizing one's potential.  But a quote by Socrates was mentioned which really resonated with me - "The unexamined life is not worth living".  The gist was that one must look inside oneself to understand what one's true calling is.  Once that is clear, there has to be determination to achieve it, regardless of the hurdles in the way.  Where there is true determination, there is no self-doubt, which is the key to achieving the end result.

Talking of determination and having a clear vision of the goal, I can look back and see some instances where I was in that zone.  The first was after my 12th standard results, where I had not performed to my expectations.  In my mind, this was nothing short of a failure, given what I had expected to achieve.  While my friends were applying to what may be considered second-tier schools (B.Sc, which was considered inferior to engineering), just in case they didn't make it to the top schools, there never was once a doubt in my mind that I would make it to one of the top engineering schools.  Now when I think back on it, it was not a very good example of risk mitigation.  But at that time, I never considered what would happen if my Plan A did not pan out.  Such was my determination and I made it to where I wanted to be.

Secondly, after graduation, when I wanted to study abroad, my goal was crystal clear in my mind.  Boy, and were there adversities in my path!  Right from getting a passport, all the way to bagging a scholarship - either of which could have easily derailed by dream.  Like I used to say at that time -"No schol, no fall"!  Meaning that without a scholarship, I could not have afforded to attend school in fall.  That determination resulted in quite a few heroics on my part - like traveling alone to Patna for my passport in spite of high fever and staying at my friend's parents' place (not knowing any of them)...all the way to boarding a plane for the first time in my life and traveling alone to a foreign land (that's worthy of a post in itself!).  I distinctly remember getting the letter saying that I had bagged a scholarship - literally on the last day when I was leaving to go back to Bangalore after finishing my undergrad studies.  That joy and feeling of accomplishment is something that will remain with me forever.  There have been many milestones that followed, but nothing comes close to the exhilaration I felt then.

Both these incidents occurred at critical junctures in my life, which resulted in me being where I am today.  A famous quote from "The alchemist" that I read some time ago comes to mind - "When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."  Looking back, I cannot agree more.

Sadly, I feel somewhere along the way, I have lost that determination and drive I used to have.  More recently, self-doubt seems to have crept in.  It is so easy to get into the cycle of the daily grind that it is difficult to overcome the inertia and rise above the monotony to dwell on what it is that one "should" be doing...in short, discovering life's true calling.  I even think that getting into a more determined state of mind will allow me to achieve so much more...both in my personal and professional life.

Someone had posted this quote on Facebook by Pema Chodron, the famous author on Tibetan Buddhism - "Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know".  I am hoping that even if it is by trial and error, that each of us discover our true calling...the first step of which is to recognize and internalize the signs that are around us. 

To determination! :-)

The year that was

2013 was truly a year that heralded some major changes in me.  Some that I consciously made happen and most that just happened.  The underlying factor, I think, was a realization that half my life was done, having celebrated my big 40th birthday during that period.  I don't mean it in a sombre, depressing sort of way, but almost in a constructive, retrospective vein.  I can't recall feeling any different on that day itself but the realization was gradual, and very strong.  I started to reflect on the life that I had lived so far...and how I wanted to lead the rest of it.

I think there were two factors that precipitated this thought process.  One was the passing of my mother and the other was a really tough project assignment at work.  I was caught in-between the deep agony of the personal loss and the professional challenge that didn't seem to improve no matter what I did.  Inherently I have an analytical bent of mind I am told...and I think it was that trait that forced me into introspection.  And reflecting on what my priorities really were in my life.

The biggest change I believe, has been in my general outlook on things.  Having led a very risk-averse, conservative life, I realized it was time to make some deep changes.  As part of my attempt to decode some of the challenges in my professional life, I took a class at work called "Focus on Influence".  At the end of it, I realized that it was OK to not always be in control of everything, since that only leads to undue stress and unwanted inhibitions.  Essentially, learn to let go.  More on that in another post.

One side-effect of this "what the heck" attitude shift was that there were many firsts all through last year.  It started with my first concert singing Carnatic vocal in front of a big audience.  Never thought I had it in me, but the feedback was surprisingly encouraging.  My mom would have been most proud and would have said - "Told you so!"  Then my first ever dance performance in front of a 200-strong audience.  Now that was something I had never attempted in my life...but again - letting go of inhibitions and moving way out of my comfort zone.  This was followed by more concerts and another dance performance, this time in front of an even bigger audience.  I am realizing now that while I consciously sought out opportunities to challenge myself and my inhibitions, it wasn't change just for the sake of change.  It was an attempt to "walk the talk" and see how far I could push myself.

I hope that this is the beginning of something good.  Something lasting, that I can be proud of for years to come.  Realizing one's potential cannot be a bad thing, right?  Better late than never.

Onward and upward!