Lessons in letting go

"In the process of letting go you will lose many things from the past, but you will find yourself." – Deepak Chopra
 
Letting go is one tough thing to do - at least for me.  There were a couple of incidents in the last week or so that were quite heartening and taught me valuable lessons in the art of letting go.  And most remarkable of all was the fact that these precious lessons were imparted to me by my own kids!

Older A had a rough week.  He learnt that someone who he considered his best friend had gone behind his back and taken part in an event, while not speaking about it at all to him.  Older A would have liked to join him given a chance but learning about it third-hand was quite heartbreaking.  Given his non-confrontational nature, it was an extreme effort on his part to even question his "friend" about it the next day, but we coaxed him to do so and he did.  That the other kid refused to budge and retorted in the most unexpected manner is a different story.  But what was heartening was how older A let it go.  I know that he was extremely disappointed but ended up telling me and his dad that he didn't want to pursue it any further and wanted to let it go.  Since he didn't have any control over how others behaved, he would continue being a friend to the other kid and even asked to go for a playdate to a common friend's place, where this other kid was definitely going to be present.  What he did was unthinkable for me, given that I have harbored grudges and misgivings for many years in my own life - sometimes for frivolous reasons and at other times for things that I thought meant a lot to me at that point in my life.

Little A learnt last week that one of her friends had passed a test that she had also taken.  When I mentioned it to her, she casually said - "Oh, did she?"  When I asked what she thought about it, she immediately answered that it was OK - it was her friend's thing and it didn't matter to her.  I was astounded.  At her age, I could have seen myself moping for weeks, thinking about how I had goofed up and what I could have done better.

No doubt hanging onto failures or what I perceived as failures, has helped me aim higher and pursue goals that I would probably not otherwise have achieved.  But in hindsight, after these lessons in letting go, I am realizing that it was most likely unnecessary.  Especially those which I had no control over.  One can also be motivated and inspired by positive examples and I now believe that letting go enables one to perhaps make more space within oneself to allow more positive thoughts to come in.  Especially negative thoughts and memories are a serious drain on one's mental energy.  I can look back and see how stressful I had made my life all along, due to the inability to let go. 

As Wordsworth said - "The child is the father of the man".  I hope that my little ones grow up to be positive, energetic individuals, inspired by higher thoughts and ideals.  Little failures and frustrations along the way should not clog their minds so they are not able to focus on the positives in their lives.  Letting go of what is not absolutely necessary will allow them to shine as individuals and develop their own unique skills and talents that will set them apart from everyone else.

I realize it is not easy to change deeply engrained habits overnight but I am thankful for this invaluable lesson - I will try to remember how my kids handled these challenges in their young lives and hopefully not fall back to my default way of thinking!  

Here's to letting go and flying free!

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need". – Tao Te Ching

Out of the box or in the box?

Older A qualified for the "gifted" program in elementary school on his first try.  We just learnt that little A didn't make it through the second round of testing, while she had performed exceedingly well in the first round.  While it is unfair to compare, one cannot help it sometimes.  

Older A is a good student...very conscientious, thorough and quite competitive when needed.  I particularly appreciate his tenacity to overcome any shortcoming with a determined push - be it a math problem or a new piece on the violin.  But I think his thinking is quite "in the box".  Which is not such a bad thing in and of itself.  I can see him doing well in almost all the tests that come his way as he grows up and securing a decent job, in keeping with expectations.  Kind of like me in a way.  Quite a textbook case I was, in my opinion.  

Little A, however is more a free spirit.  She likes to do things her way, is extremely independent and refuses to accept help.  While that self-reliance is a good trait, it sometimes gets in the way of her learning.  Plus, she only opens up and wants to learn when she is in the "mood".  Sigh.  While I feel disappointed that she didn't make it through the test, I think of all the times she has surprised me with her completely "out of the box" thinking.  She flashes glimpses of her keen intellect with incisive questions and well-articulated thoughts.  She doesn't mind sitting and watching a science or space show on TV for a few hours without batting an eyelid.  Just when I think she couldn't possibly absorb all that material, she comes back a couple of days later with a question that boggles my mind.  I am amazed at the amount of knowledge she has gleaned from the kids shows on PBS!  

I truly believe that both kids will turn out fine, in spite of their differing personalities.  What it takes is loving guidance and patience from us adults.  In the competitive environment we are in these days, it is easy to gloss over the fact that they are still kids and it is their time to discover their strengths and weaknesses on their own and deal with the challenges that come their way in their own unique way.  Each kid is "gifted" in different ways and it is up to us to coax it out of them so they discover their talents and grow them as they mature.  While we may not have all the answers, we owe it to them to provide them that freedom and opportunities for self-discovery. 

Meanwhile, regardless of whether they are "in the box" thinkers or "out of the box" thinkers, their journey of discovery is a joy to watch.  Each "aha" moment, each heartfelt "yessss" of accomplishment, is a baby step towards uncovering their hidden potential.  The key is to be true to themselves and always keep an open mind.  These experiences are little pieces of the complex puzzle that will define who they are. 

To hidden potential!

A love like no other

It is strange how a tune, a whiff of perfume or a taste can evoke strong memories from days bygone.  Today, I was listening to Lata's mellifluous voice singing "Allah tero naam" in the car on the way home.  Not sure if the neurons in my brain were connecting this song to an old memory from when I was growing up or what...but memories of my mom and her gentle way of life flooded my mind.  Until she was physically able, my mom always took every opportunity to visit us so she could spend time with her grandchildren.  Even undertaking the long, tiring journey alone once to visit us.  Towards the end, she insisted that she wasn't able to...which I found hard to believe...until I realized only too late why she was saying so.  My eyes welled up with tears as I remembered my mom's frail body as she lay gasping for her last breath. 

O saare jag ke rakhwaale,

Nirbal ko bal dene waale...

Deh bina, daata

Deh bina bhatke naa pran...

 It was older A's birth that was the incentive for my parents to make their first trip to the US.  They visited many times after that, each time putting their lives on hold so they could spend time with their dear grandchildren and us.  Each time, they would undertake the arduous journey, travel to a foreign land and stay in a home that wasn't theirs.  I used to fight with them saying that they should treat our house as theirs...but like my mom would say - "our house is our house".  

For my mom, there was no other who could compare with older A - he could do no wrong.  Perhaps since he was born under the star of her favorite god!  But he too shared a unique bond with his "Ajji Bhargavi", the name he gave her...which later little A picked up.  My mom fondly remembered the time when her leg was hurting and A wiped some baby lotion from his face and applied it to her leg and said that it would get better soon.  Such was their relationship. Even now when I scold A for something, her words echo in my mind, when she asked me not to be too hard on him...that he was a good boy.

 

This is a picture we took  in a park on a beautiful, sunny summer day.  Countless times, I have left little A in the care of my mom without a tinge of worry, since I knew that she would get all the attention and love from my mom...perhaps a lot more than I had patience for!  This was the last time my parents made the trip together to visit us.

How can I forget my dad's patience and sheer joy he felt so deeply, in the company of his grandchildren?  Right from the moment older A was born...to patiently walking little A up and down since she cried when she was put down in the crib.  This picture shall forever signify the love and joy both my parents shared for their grandchildren.  Our kids shall forever remember their "Hayu thatha" and "Ajji Bhargavi" for what they have given them - their unconditional love and precious days of their lives.  



Today, the kids share a deep, close bond with their Hayu thatha and love visiting him in Bangalore or having him over.  The love grandparents shower on their grandkids is a special gift and indeed a love like no other.

To grandparents!

Rites of passage

Just got back from dropping little A at a friend's place for a playdate and sleepover.  Older A has been having sleepovers quite regularly for a while now.  Can't remember the first time I sent him for one, but don't think I was this antsy?  Perhaps it has to do with the little one being the baby of  the family...literally and figuratively.  I think older A was actually around the little one's age when he went for his first sleepover...but this is somehow different.  Is it because the older one was a boy and little A is a girl?  Much as I like to think that they are both equal to me in all respects and able to do what the other can do in all areas, this experience makes me jittery and on edge.  I see her little teddy and feel the anxiety of separation start to well up inside me.

To her credit, little A was just fine.  She was happy, playing with her friends.  I only sensed (or was it just my imagination running wild?) a little hesitation when I kissed her goodbye before I left.

Sigh - she is just 5 minutes away, at a good friend's house.  And there are other kids sleeping over as well.  Perhaps it is the feeling of letting go...the first in a series. A definite rite of passage.  I'm sure the next time won't be this hard!

To getting wings and flying!

This is a picture of little A's hand, clinging to my mom's saree when she was about six months old.

Rang-Birangi - The colors of life

Art has been a constant in my life as far back as I can remember - and the credit goes to my parents for instilling this love in me at an early age.  My earliest memories are of me and my sis spending hours drawing abstract patterns on the concrete floor with little pieces of chalk.  Then later I learnt drawing and painting from a couple of teachers who taught kids in the neighborhood.  In the course of my art classes, I dabbled in water colors as well as oils.  I don't possess any of the paintings any more - all my oils were given away as gifts to friends. 

At home, art was everywhere.  My dad had an eclectic collection of art from all over India and elsewhere.  He was an amateur photographer as well and had a keen aesthetic sense.  Frames on the walls of our house often showcased interesting photos clipped from magazines, artistically backed and mounted.  Even the accent wall in our living room was painted by my father in a deep shade of blue, with a white border all around.  As a child, I was totally surprised by that choice, but in a very pleasant way.  In addition to traditional forms of art like Madhubani, Warli, etc., his art collection included the works of many contemporary artists.  My mom was artistic in her own right and shared a deep sense of appreciation for all things beautiful.  I remember her providing critical feedback to my father on his photographs.  

Just recently, having come across some really cool contemporary interpretations of traditional subjects in the tribal Madhubani style, I was inspired to create something of my own from scratch.  A lot of it was also inspired by my kids' fascination with art and beautiful things.  This was the first attempt at Madhubani that my daughter and I worked on in the course of an afternoon.  Typical subject for this style of art, but I like to think it has a contemporary touch to it.  The colors were filled in by my little one, since she doesn't like to "draw", only likes to "color"!


Surya Devata:
Meri khidki ke kone se jhAnkta hua suraj,
Yeh Seattle ki makhmali dhoop ki kiraNein hain...
Ya bAdalon se Ankh-micholi khelte hue sainkdon ratn?







   The second attempt was with a more contemporary theme of "Snapshots of Seattle", while using the Madhubani style to render it.  

Can you spot these special things that make the PNW (Pacific North West) such a beautiful place to live in?  The Seattle sun, which when shining makes everything absolutely light up.  Mt. Rainier, with the Space Needle in profile.  The lush, evergreen forests.  Abundant sea-life.  The waves of the Pacific Ocean and the myriad lakes that dot the landscape.  And last but not least, the beautiful tulips of Skagit Valley.




  I am grateful for the deep love of all things beautiful that make life so much more colorful and interesting.  I truly believe that this is a precious gift that allows one to stop and revel in the beauty of seemingly ordinary, mundane things around us.  I hope that by creating some original art with my little kids, I can plant the seed of this sense of aesthetic...that will open their eyes to a whole new world of wonder and imagination!

- All images subject to copyright -

A life examined...

It is fascinating how one picks up on the "signs" that abound around us...assuming that one is looking out for them in the first place.  Is this what some call fate or destiny...even karma?  Some may dismiss them as just a series of coincidences.  It really doesn't matter what it is called.  Two examples come to mind, just from this morning.  There I was, having enjoyed my hot cup of coffee for the day...flipping channels on TV.  Two programs were on at the same time that piqued my interest - "Satyameva Jayate" and the other a PBS show that had Wayne Dyer talking about his book "I can see clearly now".

Today's topic for Satyameva Jayate detailed the experiences of a few people who had risen above the worst kind of adversity and found their true calling in life.  In both cases, their fight would elevate their own existence to a more meaningful one, as well as touch many other lives in a very positive way.  It took a horrific event in their lives to set this in motion, but the main point was how determined they were to make a positive difference and not be afraid any more of others and their own inhibitions.  They dared to take life by the horns and turn it into something that inspires many others they come in contact with.

Wayne Dyer, as usual, was talking about realizing one's potential.  But a quote by Socrates was mentioned which really resonated with me - "The unexamined life is not worth living".  The gist was that one must look inside oneself to understand what one's true calling is.  Once that is clear, there has to be determination to achieve it, regardless of the hurdles in the way.  Where there is true determination, there is no self-doubt, which is the key to achieving the end result.

Talking of determination and having a clear vision of the goal, I can look back and see some instances where I was in that zone.  The first was after my 12th standard results, where I had not performed to my expectations.  In my mind, this was nothing short of a failure, given what I had expected to achieve.  While my friends were applying to what may be considered second-tier schools (B.Sc, which was considered inferior to engineering), just in case they didn't make it to the top schools, there never was once a doubt in my mind that I would make it to one of the top engineering schools.  Now when I think back on it, it was not a very good example of risk mitigation.  But at that time, I never considered what would happen if my Plan A did not pan out.  Such was my determination and I made it to where I wanted to be.

Secondly, after graduation, when I wanted to study abroad, my goal was crystal clear in my mind.  Boy, and were there adversities in my path!  Right from getting a passport, all the way to bagging a scholarship - either of which could have easily derailed by dream.  Like I used to say at that time -"No schol, no fall"!  Meaning that without a scholarship, I could not have afforded to attend school in fall.  That determination resulted in quite a few heroics on my part - like traveling alone to Patna for my passport in spite of high fever and staying at my friend's parents' place (not knowing any of them)...all the way to boarding a plane for the first time in my life and traveling alone to a foreign land (that's worthy of a post in itself!).  I distinctly remember getting the letter saying that I had bagged a scholarship - literally on the last day when I was leaving to go back to Bangalore after finishing my undergrad studies.  That joy and feeling of accomplishment is something that will remain with me forever.  There have been many milestones that followed, but nothing comes close to the exhilaration I felt then.

Both these incidents occurred at critical junctures in my life, which resulted in me being where I am today.  A famous quote from "The alchemist" that I read some time ago comes to mind - "When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."  Looking back, I cannot agree more.

Sadly, I feel somewhere along the way, I have lost that determination and drive I used to have.  More recently, self-doubt seems to have crept in.  It is so easy to get into the cycle of the daily grind that it is difficult to overcome the inertia and rise above the monotony to dwell on what it is that one "should" be doing...in short, discovering life's true calling.  I even think that getting into a more determined state of mind will allow me to achieve so much more...both in my personal and professional life.

Someone had posted this quote on Facebook by Pema Chodron, the famous author on Tibetan Buddhism - "Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know".  I am hoping that even if it is by trial and error, that each of us discover our true calling...the first step of which is to recognize and internalize the signs that are around us. 

To determination! :-)

The year that was

2013 was truly a year that heralded some major changes in me.  Some that I consciously made happen and most that just happened.  The underlying factor, I think, was a realization that half my life was done, having celebrated my big 40th birthday during that period.  I don't mean it in a sombre, depressing sort of way, but almost in a constructive, retrospective vein.  I can't recall feeling any different on that day itself but the realization was gradual, and very strong.  I started to reflect on the life that I had lived so far...and how I wanted to lead the rest of it.

I think there were two factors that precipitated this thought process.  One was the passing of my mother and the other was a really tough project assignment at work.  I was caught in-between the deep agony of the personal loss and the professional challenge that didn't seem to improve no matter what I did.  Inherently I have an analytical bent of mind I am told...and I think it was that trait that forced me into introspection.  And reflecting on what my priorities really were in my life.

The biggest change I believe, has been in my general outlook on things.  Having led a very risk-averse, conservative life, I realized it was time to make some deep changes.  As part of my attempt to decode some of the challenges in my professional life, I took a class at work called "Focus on Influence".  At the end of it, I realized that it was OK to not always be in control of everything, since that only leads to undue stress and unwanted inhibitions.  Essentially, learn to let go.  More on that in another post.

One side-effect of this "what the heck" attitude shift was that there were many firsts all through last year.  It started with my first concert singing Carnatic vocal in front of a big audience.  Never thought I had it in me, but the feedback was surprisingly encouraging.  My mom would have been most proud and would have said - "Told you so!"  Then my first ever dance performance in front of a 200-strong audience.  Now that was something I had never attempted in my life...but again - letting go of inhibitions and moving way out of my comfort zone.  This was followed by more concerts and another dance performance, this time in front of an even bigger audience.  I am realizing now that while I consciously sought out opportunities to challenge myself and my inhibitions, it wasn't change just for the sake of change.  It was an attempt to "walk the talk" and see how far I could push myself.

I hope that this is the beginning of something good.  Something lasting, that I can be proud of for years to come.  Realizing one's potential cannot be a bad thing, right?  Better late than never.

Onward and upward!